current life

extreme loneliness

2008-11-25T05:47:00.000-08:00

Thought i will never be affected by such things..

guess i am human after...

tears drop, tears flow, tears dry....

and there it goes.

a brand new day.

i had enough... time to walk on a new phase of life.

Goodbye to current life

SAD

2008-11-18T05:11:00.000-08:00

it is just like no JJ in TVX
no JJ in ShinHwa
no Kangta in H.O.T

Last for one is coming to sg.. although i love their performances..
but the only one tt i know the face with the name along with it is only Zero Nine...
but now, how can i say i am the number one fan when i always got difficulty tagging the name to their faces...

I am fascinated by the dance... only.. *sorry*

it is just like... i can't recognize all Big bang or Suju members...

yes my memory is that bad...

Sometime ago, a guy called my name while i was waiting for my bus. he called "xinyi xinyi"
I looked up, he waved, i waved back.. and I had no idea who is he... I am still trying to recall, but no idea... should be some classmate during primary school?

sometimes having bad brain memory is a good thing eh? haha I do not have to remember everything.

I wonder what Last for One has prepared for us.

파이팅

Ota JU

2008-11-08T21:57:00.000-08:00

If u do not know what is otaJU means ... well it just means Ota(ku) + ju... so it's just my other name. haha

Thanks to the new channel on tv.. where almost every hour is interesting i am back to the life of having my weekends spent at home.. either in front of my com watching videos... or msn-ing... loooking through some weird articles and all... or i will just wait for 4.30pm and start to watch tv...

Life is just so simple for otaJU all she needs is a com and internet... haha

guess when was the last time i went to the movie theatres to catch a movie? with my company's family outing "Indiana JOnes" we watched it when Kungfu panda is already showing. well... that was my last movie.. BUT i do watch movies on tv!

I am sorry to all my friends, esp chieling who wants to watch movies often, but i kinda not interested in movies... as in... its costly for me and i rather stay home.. i have been out too often till i just wanna stay at home, cook myporridge and eat it in front of the tv... i am not a couch potato yet as i do not have a couch at home.

seriously my computer is driving me crazy... i mean my younger brother's lappy... he got a desktop so i am using his 2nd hand lappy which is now a 3rd hand...

I can't even load a youtube site properly.

Recently my dong saeng ace is having some trouble with her gastric... i just hope she can eat healthily though the quantity is getting lesser but i think with quality food she can stilll carry out her daily activities.

I think i am going to miss her when she needs to start he JC 2 life.. and i will be kinda... "alone" at SW then... well, i am still learning just that less laughters... and less "high" element in class... but i know this is just another transition period in life. (i got too many transitions till i am not sure if each has settled down to a exact point)

alright stupid com! i am so going to get off!

A simple love story 1 - Cranes

2008-10-27T07:50:00.000-07:00

"I would like to have set A and an additional coke please." As usual, this particular male customer placed his order without considering other new items in the restaurant.

"Certainly. Without ice as usual?" The rather-new part time waitress acknowledged his order and showed her professionalism in customer service.

"er... ya..." without much eye contact, the customer looked at his PDA phone.

Food was served and he gobbled the food like it was the most sumptuous meal on earth.

**********************************************************************************

2 weeks ago, the girl first joined this restaurant as a part-time waitress and that was when the life of this male customer changed...

He was dull and gloomy. his body posture is always not up straight but hunched back, as if he had tonnes of weight on his back. He never smiled, never felt warmth and never felt happy.
As people around him were all asking him for favour, showing how cold realistic was, how fast things moved till he doesn't see anyone smile with the tinge of warmth.

Until he went to the restaurant for this simple set meal where his simple love that led to his simple life started.

*****************************************************************************

As usual, everytime after each meal he would fold one of the serviettes into a crane and the other would be placed nicely at the side of the plate after it has fulfilled its task as a serviette.

as it was too exquisite to be thrown away as other serviettes always ended up at, the girl would keep it into her bag. Then, the paper crane will end up in a box in her room.

This repeats everyday. The customer came, place order, leave a crane and went off. Everything was just like normal.

Till the 31st day of this routine, the serviettes were laid open with tinges of blue when looked from far.

It was a message for the waitress.

"Dear Leo,

I got your name from your name tag. Thank you for your excellent service. your greetings with such a nice smile does melts the cold hearts and warm the cold tired souls. I left a message for you for the past 30 days. If you have the cranes, you will get the message. The eyes of the cranes are actually made up of numbers. Just have to arrange it slightly and you can see the message. So, ya, hope to hear from you soon.

Kain"

Filled with curiousity, Leo laid out of her cranes in the box. Looking thtough the numbers and arranged them accordingly from 1 - 30 and slowly open each crane out to see the message

" I
like
you
since
the
day
i
met
you
and
you
have
changed
my
life
, may
i
have
a
proper
dinner
with
you
, not
set
meal
my
number
is
9XXX 9XXXX.

This was how they started. A simple love.

thank u instructor B

2008-10-24T05:14:00.000-07:00

oh my god!

i am super motivated by instructor B after his face turned serious and tell me "YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT BEGINNER. U ARE MORE THAN A BEGINNER"

although i am only 3 months old in dance... (with some absence in some weeks) yet hearing this from the "god" of the dance in this school i feel elated!

nothing can be as joyous as this. well.. i felt i am recognized.

Although i have been consistently receiving positive comments about me during dance classes, but this time was indeed a major push. letting me have an 20% increment in my confidence. (hey! that is a lot alright?)

i really wishes that on my birthday week i could just keep going for dance lessons and i will be happy enough. although Ch is not around T.T but as long as it is dance, it brings me to life.

now i am going to be a typical blogger. "sian ah... i got jap and kor test and exam, yet i am still slacking.. i should be mugging now AT LEAST."

well, i just wanna express what i am going through now to my blog as no one is around me for me to whine.. and! i don't wish to be whiner~~~ lalala.. i am still in high spirits due to those motivating words.

Thank you instructor B!
hahhaha

parkie! not sure if u will drop by! i hope to reach my target of 100 emails with u!
chagia! not sure how u are doing, but i hope u will be happy always
Ace dongsaeng! dun cry! unnie support u all the way! and let's dom dom kah tgt!
chieling! dun sian le la... u so busy by right shud have no time to sian!
ah ting! me hope to have random meet up with u again!
ah ma peipei! sorry ya, i really gotta study for my last minute study haha
cheddar cheese! long time no talk to u on msn ... ur frustrating weekends...
weejia lao ba! my blog is superficial compared to ur GP paper.
Kisa Jing sian! let's tarot sometime again... although i am satisfied with my life now and i got nothing to ask liao

ok dedication stops here...

i shall go study! (try...) haha

i shall blog a simple love story after exam!

1 more month to being 20

2008-10-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

i am still going around saying i am 19~~~

how long will this last?

1 more month! haha

I used to have many thoughts for birthdays.. like surprises... or getting really sweet actions from people etc...

but i realise... as time draws nearer... i am getting lazy to think of what i want...

what i really want is to finish watching the LONG DRAMA Rainbow romance.
what i really want is to dance
what i really want is to travel
what i really want is to meet my unnie and oppa in korea and omma too.
what i really want is to eat for free...? hahaha
what i really want is to meet jaejoong kibum kangin heechul... aiya! super junior and tvxq! haha
what i really want is to not get hurt and smile like this for as long as i live...

so... i just wanna be me... shin juju..

tarot - my future does not lies in the cards

2008-10-19T07:02:00.000-07:00

ah ha! Weejia blogged this, so this blog entry is a response to his blog entry on the tarot divination that Jingsian carry out yesterday night.

Well, when they were high about it might be that school mate that i disliked since day 1 in secondary school...

Actually! i need to say i did not dislike him as in really hate him.. it was just a casual remark like... "piang so tall.. dun like u la." "piang so pretty, irksome" that kind of dislike jst because you are jealous that you does not possess it.

back to the tarot... ya, since then we were sort of known to be disliking eachother... well those were the childish days when we do many silly things and so on... when we recollect those memories, we were laughing about how stupid it was.

Tarot says, i will be the guy's obstacle, as i am the one who refuse to start the relationship...

i believe, no matter who the guy is, be it that schoolmate or some other guys or even celebrities or my ex-eyecandy, i would definitely be reluctant to start any relationship...

hey hey of coz i am not thinking that i will have someone wooing me. but in the sense, IF there is any, i won't want it. It will be a burden to me... as i have too many things in hands that i am still trying to grasp, and i want to fully grasp it and not letting go of any.

and who in the right mind will want to get into relationship when she does not know what is love? haha ahhh...

for me i am happy with my current life.. filled with japanese korean dance work and random meet ups with friends, msn-ing my korean mum korean sis korean bro... i feel i am blessed enough...

Anyway, ace and I often talk about hoping to have a boyfriend like XXX or XXX (hers is OnXX) mine will be like KXX or kiXXX or even kangXX) hahaha i am greedy.. but we always conclude we will be single.. so we have this spinister club.. with the motto: we promise absolute freedom... cool eh?

recently i am mesmerized by kibum (i am kinda late ahhh hahah) by his smile (ok i was and am still obsessed with dong bang so i hardly watch suju stuffs until recently...) then i like kibum;s smile... ^^ now i know why i have a number of friends liking him. he is a sunshine smiler... *shines*

i am contented with my life as long as suju is still there being lively and cute... dong bang still singing and dancing and surprising me with every new album's concept... let me live in such fantasies that there are guys tt are of their standard... i am happy!

time to sleep!

포기해야해요

2008-10-04T11:02:00.000-07:00

요즘 기분이 너무 나빠요. 마음이 아주 복접해져 가요.

상랑하는 사람 하고 중요한 친구들 중에서 누굴 더 사랑합니까? 물론 친구들을 더 사랑해지요.

예를 들어 친구들이 무엇을 원하면 어떻게든 해줘요.전 사랑하는 사람을 보내줄수 있어요. 좀 멍청하죠? 난 미쳤어요? 사랑하는 사람을 어떻게 보내줘요? 이건 안돼겠지요?

하지만 제가 사랑하는 사람을 받는 사람을 제 친구에요.친구가 기분이 좋으면 저도 기분이 좋아져요. (진짜로...) 지금은 마음이 많이 아프지만 천천히 잊어줄꺼에요.

오늘 우리 루위인씨의 생일파티예요. 약 1년동안 보질않아서 대화를 많이 나눴어요.. 전 아직 남자친구가 필요한거 같이 않아요.지금처럼만 열심히 살아갈래요..

사랑...사랑이 뭐에요? 포기하는게 나아요. 이 고통을 빨리 끝내요.

忍痛割爱

2008-10-03T10:34:00.000-07:00

爽快的承诺，已成了废墟

快乐的乐园，已成了空城

敞开的心灵，已成了死结

甜蜜的暗恋，已成了厌倦

单调的生活，已成了习惯

我的心灵之门，上了永不能解开的锁。告别渴望恋情的岁月，踏入自我的生活。锁，并不代表什么。只是将事物停止，继续向前。我的生活，就此在灰暗中自我增添色彩。

CHAGIA! PROMISE

2008-09-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

Latest birthday wish:

I want an elder brother...

Preferably taller than me, can dance, can sing, can speak in jap, korean or both. Older than me by years. so that he can guide me and share about his experience and lead me.

can i adopt an elder brother?

Guess not...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ACE~~~~ we all want oppa lehzzzz

alice, not tt kind of oppa ya~~~

AND I PROMISED TO HUG U WHEN U NEED ME~!!! though i am smaller than jaejoong... >< his 110cm is the O.O thing... but.. still..

I AM STRONG YAAAA~~~
I LOVE MY CHAGIA, DONG SAENGS, OPPA (DUN HAVE), MY CHIE AND CHEESE AND MANY MORE~~~

birthday wish gone

2008-09-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

Well, when i see the goddess came and say "from November onwards there will be an absolute hip hop class by **** every Tuesday 730" I knew my birthday wish is GONE.

"C" going overseas for 2 weeks, and then the original instructors are also going off during November. sad.

and my street jazz techniques, i truly learn from him, but then it is going to be changed to other dance classes. I must tell ace about the course i think she will go because its **** who will be teaching.

Actually I don't mind learning from **** its just the dance genre that i am looking forward to. aiyaaaa... my eve of my birthday is learning from him lor. i hope ace can come.. will be fun!

Oh why am i not typing names? because i don't wish my blog to be one of the random search results of people looking for those instructors information HAAAAA

I will be dropping Korean soon. As in at the school. I will still self study though. I will take KLPT this year and next year on my own. and see how much i can save and really go to korea and study for months?

ahhhhhhhhhhhh i don't know!!! i only know i need more self discipline, less slacking, extra hard work and do my best! i want to be legendary!

haix. i wish to have a simple life... (though i feel mine is simple??!)

Dong saengs, Chagia... I miss you all, i want to meet you all too.. but i am bad. i am too attached to dance.

(at least is dance not some other guys yaaa hahahaha chagia! though u are attached! u are still mine! muahahaha)

The meaning of "happy"

2008-09-10T05:56:00.001-07:00

What is happiness to you?

When we studied Chinese philosophy in China, we had learnt Zhuang zi's thinking of "happiness is nothingness".

I think I had fully understand the saint's thinking of "happiness is nothingness"

Recently, I have sort of got over the crush…… Which means there the heart no longer feels prickly; breaths are smooth; emotions are no longer low and I no longer feel "heavy". In a shorter term, I am happy and carefree person.

But this is where I feel…… empty. Spirits are high, but it is like fireworks. "BOOM" and then gone. Even when you are happy, don't people have this "light hearted feeling" which is like not filling as there is no weight like 'sadness'?

It is like, you know that it is there, but it does not physically exist like a scar, blood, or even pain. Taking bacteria as example, you know they are around, but you can't feel them, hold them or even weigh them. It just seems to be…… not there.

When you see an empty room, you will say "just an empty room, there's nothing." What about the bacteria? The air? The dust? They are some things. But when we see the room, we only say, "There's nothing."

To me, this is how I define happiness is nothingness. It is too light, till you don't even feel it is there.

Maybe I am a sadist who wants to be sad so I came up with so much crap? But, this is how I feel exactly now. This doesn't imply that I want to be sad. I am happy now but I just feel I am not filled. HMMMM (I am not hungry.)

PS: I am still thinking should I start writing about the story of seaweed and Unagi (latest flavor of dog food)

-- Warmest Regards,Xin Yi aka juju

I got the "literature" look

2008-09-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

When i say i am learning dance, people around me asked "chinese dance? ballet? Jazz?"

Do I have a classical look?

When I say I learn Hip Hop

the whole office gave me O.O this look... and one choked on her rice.

When I say I go clubbing.

People will "AHHH???!!! YOU SURE? I thought you go home to read novels or poem..."

Exactly how literature and classy I am?

Alright, i emit such aura, doesn't mean I am. I am still young... (ok, rare right hearing me saying this) I can still do many things before my bones doesn't allow me to.)

But my literature level... Should be there la huh (see? my singlish is out, how good can I be?)

Because of a short written work, i won myself 5000 star points ^^

I am such a lucky person. (am I?) I am!

Think positive! live life to the changmin! (MAX) haa

I miss my korea mum and sis.... T.T

I wanna go home

money money money

2008-08-31T22:54:00.001-07:00

1st September !!! Time flies! It has been 7 months with my company!!! And for not taking any MC for past 2 months, I will get S150 ^^ hehe…

Keep myself fit and healthy, have a happy mood, no doctors no disgusting medications yet rewarded!

Hehe! Being happy is actually very easy. It is just a thin line difference. It is so ridiculously thin till people overlooked it. Ha. Ting taught me to look into the mirror and smile to myself every morning.

Well, I tried, not bad… For me, now every morning I need to say “GOOD MORNING” to my mum and dad, stun them a little, then if they see me in such a fresh look. They will go “GOOD MORNING HONEY~” (my dad will call me honey if he decides to speak in English. Faints)

I got a cute dad (personality wise laaa. But he is handsome type…) My mum is also quite good in cold cold cold jokes… (when she feels ok) and my irksome brother, when he don’t come step on my tail, he is quite a good boy…

HEE.

AHHHh Hui say she going to get 8 books for me with my electronic dictionary… I don’t know how heavy it will be… but then… HAAAA I shall wait for her to go and ship it back…

Money will be gone again… faints…

Haixx but it is ok! It is for my studies! Save money!!!

Faints… and still got T concert, Forever TVXQ and … the textbooks.

Budget… JIA YOU!!!

my another cranky idea for bday!

2008-08-31T03:52:00.000-07:00

yoyoyoyoyo! haaa i was telling chieling and elaine park about this...

those i said earlier are very tough to fulfill... but this, when i thought of it i think it is interesting and... very very high de!!!

on my eve of bday is jkpop... whoever the instructor is... if he or she can... PLEASE USE TVXQ SONG to choreo... or if can... the whole warm up also use their song.. really is an hour of dong bang session... haaa. ok no need to extreme, but choreo with tvxq de song I will be happy enough!!! there was once the relief instructor used HUG for the first work out song, i weas already warmed without doing anything... AHHHHAAAAA

So... hmmm if only there is someone go hint hint the instructor to use dong bang de songs... ahhhh i will just go high and all for dong bang... and dance well ok!!!

haaa... okok dream on right? like who is going to tell him. so crazy. LOL

My birthday plans - draft

2008-08-30T11:27:00.001-07:00

ALRIGHT I was telling chieling what I want will be in my blog. Basically, it Is in the wishlist. BUT THEN those are random ones… But I am serious about the hamper. LOL Just saying… that will stunned me for sure.

For the past 19 birthdays.. no surprises at all! I am like so… hmmm… I have grayish thoughts about “birthdays” just eat out, or work (was slogging my day away at TSS last time when I was still working with them), no cake cutting no surprises… ok maybe I always very bad I expected a lot of stuffs till nothing surprises me anymore.

Alright I know if there are people who are willing, there are still surprises. But I know it IS IMPOSSIBLE. Although I am the one who always say nothing is impossible, but I know this time is impossible.

How do I want my surprises? It is like very simple. People can plan outings, but please do not reveal any irregular facial expressions that let me know I will anticipate something. I can say, I had bad birthday last year. Everything was so expected. EVEN THE CAKE WAS EXPECTED. HA… and facial expressions tells everything off and I had a bad birthday. As chieling pei ting and all were not around to celebrate for me? Ok chieling is the main point la, as most of the time, past years, there wasn’t ting and pei in the birthday topic. As I am always working~

How I wish it is like having a meal outside then suddenly someone appear to join us… JAEJOONG! DREAM ON… but someone la huh… (CHOON HUI ^^ or him…? OK NOT HIM, LATER ALL KILL ME.)

Or maybe like during eve of my birthday, is a Tuesday, I will be dancing at SW @ EP, then maybe the few close friends can like all suddenly come to EP stand outside of the glass window, giving me funny faces teasing me… but it is surprising to see them there laaa…

Or even maybe, somehow I don’t know how (this is why it is impossible) that he sings birthday song for me, (not really happy birthday songs, but a song dedicated for me) somewhere I don’t know where…… at the pub? LOL like I can go, my chie cannot go de places I will not go too ^^ I want to pei her.

Or even maybe booking SW private studio, have a private dance class for ting pei chie alex qj hua etc… those who wanna dance. Then is for ting who wanna try but super shy one… at least is us only… ya… then is like I will have a common memory with all at my favourite hang out place. ^^ private instructor would wish to be Choon hui again~ haaaa… I am not lesbian, just that I feel I am well taken care of. She said she is father and mother in one body. LOL. ^^

I know these are nice surprises for me… ok there might be more kinds… but I hope to be touched… if not I am like forever dunno what “touched” is. I haven’t feel elated or something for my birthdays or any other special days. So I hope at least when I turn 21 next year I could have something very touching… Even if it is as small as a guy (not some random guys ok, guys of standard) giving me teddy bear and chocolates and grab me my favorite milk tea… not any milk tea ok, got specific brands. But I dun wanna say. Haaa. IF CAN home cooked food will even be better to touched me.. ^^

AH I know le! I think it will be interesting if I receive homemade food from friends as birthday. Pot luck? Haaaa like suddenly chieling cook porridge for me, alex fried rice (then is my next day lunch liao), ah ting cooks what she cooked on mother’s day (so impossible), ah ma’s muffins, er…. Something like that. LOL… interesting lehhhh… ^^

Ok la, I just don’t want it to be dull. I can be as interesting as going out of normal birthday template, just stay home and be good. Since it is also my daddy’s birthday! ^^

Why i don't want to have chalet for my day

2008-08-30T10:49:00.001-07:00

WAHHH * yawns *

Just reached home from my Hui’s 21st advance Birthday celebration at Downtown east…
I must really comment Downtown East’s chalet rooms are always so nice. (nicer than Loyang… Sorry, but this is what I observed and stayed through.)

Hui’s birthday was interesting. Few different categories of friends: Primary school, secondary school, poly, Dong bang fans and ME! I am under the category of OTHERS. HAAA. I am dong bang fan but not fanatic enough to be under that list I think. ^^

Her family members are super friendly; I think it runs in their blood. I spoke to her dad, mum, aunt and grandma. Hui is a very nice girl whom I hope people will just cherish her. She has a very beautiful heart. So irksome people, please leave her alone ok!

This is the 2nd birthday in the same month that has the same form of celebration for their 21st birthday. Both are my love ones. ^^

But I was telling chieling, I am so not going to have a chalet and bbq to celebrate this day. WHY?

1) November is year-end, bound to rain I think.
2) Big celebration involves too many groups; friends may not know my other friends
3) I don’t like to be neglected, so I don’t wish my friends to feel neglected as well.
4) It is like food is just meat and May not be well cooked. Starting fire is a hassle and I don’t wish to be tiring on such a happy gathering occasion.
5) My mum and dad (mostly my dad) he cannot handle big crowds, he see too many people hovering around he gets giddy easily.
6) So it is tiring and not fun for the host and attendees. (but I think hui’s one was a success as she only selectively invite, so the group wasn’t too big. And they are all self-entertainable. So they are all very high! They got a gambling den, a “dance studio”, a elders section and I am tv watcher~)

I shall post what I want for my birthday… but! My 20th is not over yet… why am I bothered bout 21st! when my 20th is like.. another boring day to be spent, trying to input meanings. Yet just another passing day with no surprises.

my new aura

2008-08-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

I love chatting with Ace, Park, Jung, Chie and many more……

I feel I am able to be myself freely in front of them. LOL ^^ It is time to whine again…… As next week is late shift again. (I’ve gotten 2 weeks of late shift in this schedule, which is so not good for my “health” as I can’t go for dance classes and do anything. Well but I have to be fair to other colleagues. They are mothers, while I am still a daughter.)

Why is it shocking to know that I am only turning 20 this year? Yes I broke this big company’s record for being the youngest full timer hired. Well, I think age doesn’t matter, is the mentality and attitude. (This was why the HR who signed me in to join this team is willing to groom me.)

I am so tempted to sign up for the Jazz course that is going to be conducted by the school’s goddess (ok I think she is goddess, kami-sama). But I am tight, I cannot spend any more on extra stuffs if I insist to go Korea to study for a year (this is only a dream, not sure if I am going to realize it.)

Lee-san made my day yesterday. When I say “oh I got dance classes” she say “hip hop?”

Woah! She is the only one who like guessed it right on the spot without thinking. Unlike my colleagues giving me answers like “Ballet? Chinese dance? Jazz?”

When I said, “hip hop” to my colleagues, those who were having lunch choked on their rice. (I am not exaggerating it, it was true. She really keeps coughing and gulping water)

Lee-san says I got the aura that I am learning hip hop. Then I was shocked to hear that. She say I emit the same aura as her other friends who learn hip hop too. Hahaha. Then I say did I have that aura?

She says “the way you walk past, like there are little moves……” oops, was I practicing my steps? (I really can’t remember) hehe

But I am glad I am gradually having the FEEELL~~ of it. I need to shake off the read-novel-write-poems image. (My colleagues thought I was an obedient literature person. Girl stays at home that kind.)

I think my schedule is soooo over tight. I need to manage my time better! (ok I think jemin will kill me seeing this. As she always feel my time management is superb. But it is just about not-procrastinating.) I realize I am not studying for my KLPT XD I better study if not I will die in KLPT. LOL. JLPT still… okok lor… Still have a little time to prepare.

GOSH sat is Hui’s bday celebration and I am so not ready. I need to ask for directions to go to her chalet. If not I am once again lost in Singapore. >< ok I am always lost…… BUT! I will find my way…… er… somehow la.. haa I can call chie ^^

I found me!

2008-08-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

Muahahaha

I am back to my monologue. ^^

After emailing Elaine and Jemin…… I slowly start to see who I am all along…… And I know why I am ALWAYS having the sad looks. I have been restricting myself to be who I am!

Like Ace said, “I prefer the lively bouncy unnie than the quiet one at KTV that day”.

Like omma said, “I wish my girl to continue be happy girl forever”

I am someone who likes to chat, (depends with who though) listen to music, dance, sports (badminton and swimming) though I am not very good at it and joke (though not funny), laugh with my friends, and hang out with them. Whenever, I am stress, it is either I will go for dance, if not I will go to arcade till it close.

HEHE, it may be the past that let me restrict myself to be who I am.

Recalling my primary and secondary school testimonials from teachers, I have words like “bubbly and spritely girl”, “optimistic”……

How could I lose myself after all the incidents? I found myself and I shall be myself. This time, I am not going to care if people going to find me weird or not. This is the true self. I am releasing her to let her lead my life instead. ^^

Oh anyway, all of a sudden, I am not yearning for relationship anymore! So sudden ya?! Hahaha, more like after knowing myself, I know I do not really need to feed on love.

All I need is you, my friends, to drop me a sms or msn me or email me etc.. or even hang out together… hehe erm, depends on my schedule.. :P

I love my family, I love my CHS classmates, I love my Japanese and Korean classes classmates, I love dance classes and instructors esp CH ^^ (I m not les ok!! Haaa)

Sorry, i do care but i dao-ed everyone

2008-08-26T19:14:00.000-07:00

Mood fluctuates according to the things you see or the events you recall. Why do people become more emotional at night?

After chatting with Winnie, my Japanese class’s classmate, now a friend, I realize I am hold back by my own past. I have not snapped out of it and all.

Yes, I know this very well. Ever since Aaron’s death, I regretted for holding back things that I want to say to him. People say he could hear me, and he knows I have forgiven him. But, it is not the same as he is around and says it directly to him.

Losing a super close friend, I lost faith in myself. He died partly due to my decision of going China with the first batch of CHS students. If I did not leave earlier, we would have time to train another person to be the supervisor, who will be able to replace me when I am not around. Aaron would not have died…… I could not take any more blows.

Since then, wherever I work, I am closing myself up, setting up an ice barrier that all ice breaking activities could not break through. I do not wish to establish any ties or friendship. As I know, if things happen to them, I am unable to take any blows any more.

I am afraid to care anymore. Although I know that I do care for all around me, like June, who sprained her ankle and yet come for dance classes (she is so disobedient), but…… I chose not to say…… not to show…… for now……

Till I have snapped out of the self guilt thoughts……

gosh! please don't come near me

2008-07-25T23:28:00.000-07:00

It was a random day when meebo kept kicking me out of my shinjuju account. Then I realised it was the server's problem. But i was already trying to sign in with my frozen account, where all my secondary and primary school friends' contacts are in there.

Then, a random human added me at that rusty account. For a moment i thought it many be some friend's friend or maybe was from same school but I couldn't recall (my memory is very bad recently.)

After long investigation, he is totally not in my network. In Friendster phrase, is in my extended network? I was super duper irritated when he said the following:
1) just out of army
2) I AM DIFFERENT (ok he did not caps it, i did it to show how much i mind about this)
3) what if i am interested in you?

Hello? Whoever you are, wake up the idea. Every single soul on Earth is different, even twins. BUT! guys are still guys, especially those in army or just out of army, don't give me the crap like you are different or not despo. (I apologise if i am going to offend any guys who read this, but I believe at that phase of life, you guys do felt lonely and tend to meet up friends to go out, hang out and find a girlfriend and all) All these words I had heard enough.

I told him straight not to waste my time. But anyway, he only knows my old account email and all. TOO BAD~~ My heart is given to someone long ago. it was crashed. What is left now is a small piece thumping to let me live on. this small piece left, has started to fall for someone who i should not love. But as i told city kong, this is back to the most basic love: His smile could make me smile, seeing him from a far corner, a little intiated HI from him could brighten up my day. Just this kind of little secret admiration... It is good enough for me to not have boyfriend for years, and i won't face break ups.

I know this is not agreeable to some people, but at least like city kong said, "so long we are happy". City kong had decided his way to settle, i had found my little happiness created by my mind. Kong family happy will be good.

AND i will not sign in to that account often at all. GOSH! i am allergic to guys. I prefer gay-ish GOOD talented humans lorr...

1/4 blank

2008-07-20T17:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary?

Haha, I realized I do like to name my things and give them life through personification. Sometimes it do creeps my friends to be talking to my black teddy bear and all. Why not talk to humans?

Humans have their own problem as well. To me, my problem is not a problem that exists at all. It is more of I created this problem myself. As long as I do not think about it, the problem would not even exist.

I am contented with me life. If your life as a whole has 4 different parts – family, friends, career (life) and relationship (love, life partner). I belive I had mine ¾ filled and I should not harp about how empty I am just because I do not have the ¼ remaining filled.

I have great parents, although they do not communicate between themselves, often sick and spends a lot of money. I still think they are great as I know they love me. Friends, I have a few great friends who is willing to share happiness and woes with me. Career or life of my own is pretty exciting as well. I have been working hard and playing hard.

Haha, I leave it blank for relationship. LOL. I felt I wasted quire enough time with people who are not meant to be.

Recently, I kept myself in a square box, hoping that I will not get out and no one comes in, so that I can hide myself forever. I am contented at the current stage, incomplete life is alright for me. As long as I am not hurt.

Ha, I doubt there’ll be anyone crazy enough to enter the world of dinosaur. I forgot to say, I am dinosaur.

an eye for a gay

2008-07-15T20:23:00.001-07:00

It has been a long time since I had this feeling of liking someone. I know I am crazy. There might be people out there saying, “Hey! Are you an idiot or what? You’ve just got hurt, why go for dangerous zone again?”

Well, I was hurt, I know. But it wasn’t really “love” that I went through. My heart didn’t even react when I see him or even felt that he was with me that time. It was more like, a companion as most of my friends were in china that time, and Aaron has left this world, Jason has been busy with something else and all.

How long has it been that my heart last thumped hard for someone? Although I am only turning 20 this year, I feel it has been years since my heart last pounced for a guy. The very last one was for my primary school classmate, who I can’t even talk properly over the phone when I was already in Secondary school. Yes, I liked him for years, but of course, I was treated as his little sister. Well, after that I realize it was just a crush, my first crush.

Now, I hope he is really just an eye candy. Like Ashley advised, I should keep a distance, to avoid hurting myself again. Eye candy is alright; just don’t fall for the person. I wished I will not fall for him. As in my plight, I am not eligible to like or love anyone. I should be concentrating in school, work, and money for family… Moreover, I am not what guys are looking for. This fact, I have learnt it in a hard way. Maybe not in a hard way but learnt it through hard ways.

Fat, actually, I am not fat, I am serious. Of course I am not supposed to blame on my bones to be so big, but yes, in fact if you grab my wrist it is my bone. My younger brother complained that my shoulder is no longer nice to lie on, as it is pointed now. (Used to be cushionier) Loo Win was shocked when she was trying to poke my hip, and touched my hip bone. (This triggered her to poke more to verify that it is the bone).
I am just one who does not put on make up, dress up (not much dresses for me to do so anyways) and doesn’t have a great model figure.

I am just me. I believe the guy that my heart reacted to does not like me. ^^ (don’t think I am crazy just because I put ^^ when it was meant to be sad.) At least, I know there are no hopes, means I will not hurt myself. J Isn’t this great? At least, I am proving myself I still like guys (alright, people are guessing that he is gay. But who cares, image wise he is a guy.) And yet I won’t get hurt.

That’s enough for today.

I am back.. quietly

2008-07-12T06:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I really wish to be alone, yet i wish to attract attention. Well, not in the sense of going down to the streets and start yelling around or trying to dance around guys. (I do not have the looks or the figure to do those anyway.)

I don't really like to talk a lot, yet i wish people to know what I am thinking or show their care and concern about me. Maybe i am naive enough to think that people will ask. I am taking people for granted in this sense.

I know I am a noisy person (for those who know me) but I am a cold-blooded person, someone who is too chilly to get near to (for people who only knows i am a tall girl next door). I realised that I have been trying very hard, to look cheery, and bubbly type (optimistic). But i get very tired easily after a few hours doing so.

I know this is wrong. As in, I should be happy, why try to be happy? This is my life, that does not repeat. I do not have a second chance to live again.

I am not sure where did my smile went to, I forgot when did i lose it. But I believed I have found it. I hope this smile will last...

Through Dance lesson. Well, when the music plays and the instructor(s) go "5 , 6 , 7 , 8" body moves with the music and the smile just comes to my face. To me, this is a good chance for me to smile naturally again.

Am back

2007-10-31T10:04:00.000-07:00

It has been donkey months since i last blogged.

Yes i am back.. Donkey months ago.

Super busy chionging www.ourvoicebox.sg

then why do i not close this site?

well.. it was for jaejoong... I like this skin, so i have no wish to take it away...

how i wish people can find www.ourvoicebox.sg this site filled with youth oriented stuffs and hardwork... somehow... hope we can work towards it... we have pictures taken ourselves like Fahrenheit. go www.ourvoicebox.sg and see see ok?

TVXQ DBSK tohoshinki dong bang shin ki, we do not have yet.. haha

give me strength my friends

2007-05-25T01:44:00.000-07:00

my favourite ring!

i bought it and gave myself

i'm back

2007-05-17T05:33:00.000-07:00

hello all
miss me?

those at china now dun, but those who are not with me now... i dare not confirm.
i really miss singapore. yes the hot sunny weather.
its not that its cold here. its just, the heat its prickly as compared to sg... no wonder the girls here hold umbrellas be it rain or shine.

i am weak, not physically,just weak.
i am not sure why. but i know i am not strong. not strong enough.
i know one day i wil have to settle down and rely on someone, but i doubt the day will ever come.

somehow, i learnt a lot during these few months of stay.
learnt to 'not care and dun bother'
whatever i used to be irritated about, are now nothing to me.
in state of nothingness now...
perhaps missing you all is what i am left with...

and perhaps loving him is what i am left with...

JJ loves JJ
but he won't know...
there won't be a day for him to know.

gonna cry

2007-02-13T09:40:00.000-08:00

farewell party today... upon seeing the old pics of us during yr 1, i could see how much we have grown... more mature, more demure, more manly... in other words we all aged.

upon seeing those video clips recorded by us students... when i first recorded it, i did not really feel much as the date was still far... but when i see it today, together with some captions below... i nearly wanted to cry... tears did well up... but i controlled...

i see you getting more and more opened up each day, changing each day.... its through her effort isn't it? be happy...

ahhhhhhhh.... qiao juan!!! alex!!! i go china, no one dong bang dong bang with me le.... :( will really really miss you 2... yoochun! junsu! jaejoong! hwaiting!!!! ^^

pei ting chie loo... aishx... emo...

emo days...

2007-02-03T04:34:00.000-08:00

my mood tends to swing recently... and its very quick change... perhaps this is the transition period that i am facing... as i am leaving Singapore... for 5 months... where? china.

why do i have to go? its an immersion programme, to study and have exams there... to gain experience... oh well... but i worry bout my family, who are dependant on me. oh well... my brother just joined secondary school. he is still new to the new system, the new subjects like litereature and geography. his expenditure is high as he is going to join the badminton elite training that cost 100 per month and bills.... my dad, medical bills so on... my mum, who is emotional, will talk to me when she is down. but... what will happen when i am not around... i am super worried and i tend to lose my cool once i thought of it...

he says "you gave yourself too much pressure. i believe this is a good chance to release yourself." am i able to?

during these days... i tend to like think about everyone in my class... first jieling... when i'm there, will I be able to find someone to talk to... hang out? pei, is there anyone else can emo and eat with me... weiting, anyone can chat and say cold jokes for me? loowin, any one can impromptu with me? i will miss you all...

kehong, he is one who will teach us about chinese traditional culture. xuewei, demure lady. michelle, high-ness about energy. weixuan, the coffee lover, duanhui the same INTJ as me. jiahui, the xiao huai dan. jacklin the super motherly girl. weiling, the pretty skinny girl, huiyu the sad girl. jielin the sleep b4 1am girl... huiling our future chinese doctor. alex, the nice cat... i will miss you all...

maybe i will especially miss jieling pei ting loo and alex... well... you all able to share common interest with me... and has been receiving helps from you all... so... aishx... *emo emo* but don't miss me ok? ok alex, i know you won't...

ps qiaojuan, i will miss you too...dunno why... cause i find u a nice one too...

reality

2007-02-02T08:29:00.000-08:00

sometimes when i think back to the times my parents would repeatedly tell me not to trust anyone... only believe in myself... darts flying around... daggers right at your back...

but do i really start to stop trusting everyone?

no... sometimes come to think of it... trust is built up, instead of its already there for you to eliminate... it is built up from honesty, sincerity and many more...

I strongly feel, when you say you cannot trust someone, it is just because, you yourself is not truthful enough to let people to trust you thus, no one would want to face a hypocrite truthfully,making you feel no one is trustworthy... maybe its just the "an eye for an eye" theory, you are fake to others, others fake to you... making you feel the whole world is filled with hypocrites and greyness... oh well.. at least, this is what i choose to think. i feel there is somethings and people that i can still trust... people trust me or not? i don't know...

miduhyo~

hectic life... hwaiting!

2007-02-02T08:08:00.000-08:00

clare unnie says she may not come back if she gets married there... there is still 4more yrs till she graduate and come back...

many assignments came in... and i've slowly sent them off... well... i am left with chireg... which is very tough... i haven't read up and do my research... i to do research in order to write the report...

but no matter how fast or slow i am trying to complete all my assignments i am still feeling super uptight... why? its due to a 3 day forum/seminar that i signed up... which will eat into my study time for the major exam... i hope my exam can do as well as the test. but its kinda impossible as test was one book, now is 2 books... a bit tough... but no matter what... AJA AJA HWAITING!~ ^^

clare unnie, hwaiting! don't be emo ok?
kirra, conkiess, yue... i am soooooooooooooo looking forward in meeting you all up!!!!
geraldine get well soon... :)

my new look

2007-01-24T08:12:00.000-08:00

ok... personally want to say out how impromptu i am...

i was feeling down that day, and my hair needs to be trimmed...followed godma.. i went to find uncle johnny... then he say "rebond ok? ... " ok... then jiu like this le... but!!! i think my hair nearly freaks uncle johnny... why? my hair took hours to soften... so imagine how hard my hair is? haix.. got a feeling it will curl back super soon... why? coz it is starting to curl already. my curl genes are strong.

ok, coz i rebond during the days i am sick, this flat hair look make me look sicker? do i? i personally feel i look more sick... ok then someone kinda giggle upon seeing me and my new look... what so funny dude...its just second time u see me with my second new look...

ok super duper strss... why? i foresee my writing media result a B+ or B... why? all my returned assignments are all B+ or B... chireg, i feel will be C+ or B... why? things returned also B or B+...
modlit, hmmmm... C+ or B... open book exam.. but this time 2 book in one shot... asian cinema C or B-... cause i've been doing on the reviews but not knowing if the past 10+ movies are done in the right way. acting and directing... B or C... acting is the module that i can't foresee till the day the result is out... haix

i must cool down

2007-01-19T01:37:00.000-08:00

*taking a deep breath* i must calm down before i type more...

why?

i don't know why i am so easily influenced and affected by people's words and actions. not only when it is directed at me, but also not at me. I am not being righteous or want to be super hero to stand up for the weak... (i can't stand up right now, bed ridden for days already) But when i see people trying to act smart and vocalise their thoughts as though they are right, others are wrong and start swearing at the "wrong ones", I totally flare up! quietly though... yes i'm timid... scaredy cat, chicken.. bla... whatever you name it, I am that. I do admit I have no guts. That is why i blog it right now.

It just happened that i read some blogs and where this particular blogger complains, and swore at the "wrong" person. well, and i happen to know this poor wronged person. He is just trying to say something, which he did not emphasise it enough to let the blogger know his point, and there goes the blogger swearing at him. I wanted to confront that blogger very much, but, like i had mentioned above, I am a gut-less person. So i just vent my unhappiness here and that's it...

to that particular blogger, if you have not done it, why do you have to be so sensitive to what he says and start swearing? and, i believe you need time management, you sounded like you have hunger for time... whoever you are, i just hope that i don't know you personally, even if i do know you, be glad that i'm not confronting you. why? It needs a lot to make a timid one to be courageous, so you must have did a lot to make me unhappy till i explode.

yr 2007

2007-01-07T10:04:00.000-08:00

ok after working six days a week and schooling at the same time... i am finally here to summarise what i encounter this week

first, happy 2007! I BELIEVE THIS YR IS A GOOD YR FOR ME. I STRONGLY DO BELIEVE, miduhyo, arah?

2nd, this year is the first time where i stayed awake and countdown. at cineleisure. ok, if vin did not ask me to go down to listen to his new songs, i would not go near crowd... but overall, new experience and encounter funny stuffs. power failed for a moment. you start seeing PA ppl getting frantic and ask "where's the key for the generator?" "who took it?" thanks vin, nice experience. maybe being in crowd is not that bad after all.. once in a blue moon i'll try..

3rd, more responsibilities given to me to look after my workplace. i am supervisor, i know... even though just a part timer, but in the name of supervisor, i have to work more than any one else, maybe more than full timers. i know i am snapping soon, but i'll hang in there. for the sake of myself.

4th, i strongly do not believe in "losing passion = losing your job" i can frankly say i have no passion in my job i am holding now. but i am working as per what i used to work as. attitude and all. perhaps the reason i joined this workplace, was only after its flexibility of time and pay. (not high though but its enough at the moment) working professionally requires no passion.

5th, can ppl see me as individual? not jason's sis, or whoever's fren. can they see me as xinyi or juju. just me. it totally irks me and it is stressful for me to be a person related to someone, especially someone who needs tonnes of guidance so on. i feel i am responsible being somebody's someone. stop it! give me a break!!!

but all and all that has happened, i still feel happy. perhaps i don't really feel stress about school? time management... health wise, haha, my gastric still hurts... ^^

hwaiting

2006-12-30T11:07:00.000-08:00

k, pia-ing more fan fic out... since got constant readers.... hahha

really want some of my works to becum a drama series...the fans wants it too...

but... i need to translate it first to make it feasible?

new yr coming.. new yr resolution?

to be out of current financial status, be able to send me to kyung hee uni for mass comm studies...

i finally know

2006-12-21T04:40:00.000-08:00

mr danny yeo, this is for u...
i finally found out what i want to do or be when i graduate. after feeling lost for years, being afraid of still being clueless on what i liked, i actually found out...

actually the answer was within me all along, its just that it has not grown strong enough to tell me that i like to be this...

joined chs, by chance i would say. I chose my desired courses by my result. eg. science A1? choose biomedical and other science related stuff.. POA A1? accountancy and business.. maths A1? chinese A1? chinese studies... so on...

well, i did not arranged basing on what i like most, random-ly i got in CHS (first choice) my mum wanted me to join this as she thought i would be a teacher. *gosh* she was starting to worry about my future as i am in media track instead.

ok, then i am lost. so i am not as sure as teaching track students that i'll be teacher... i do not have a dream occupation... i feel i adapt to environment easily thus all decent jobs are ok... because of this ok-ness, it became tougher for me to say out what i like to work as...

talked to danny yeo, he said it is ok and its even good to be lost as i will get in touch with different things before i focus on a track... ya, i did touch on many... i touched on music (i wanted to be musician in SCO) i touched on accountancy, i touched on teaching (taught a few small kids as students) touched on F&B, thinking maybe i should just dumbly work in Food related jobs, my dream was chef or pattisier..

thanks to ray ng, that i realised that i know what i prefer more out of all my ok choices... when i was doing for press release homework... partly it was because i feel schedule was tight and i need to be fast, i quickly found a client and work for them (well, but bigger the organisation the tougher to get their info) thus i put myself down saying we're not up to it and work for someone else... one day, and its done! i start to like the feel of being a journalist (maybe this "like" is there when i was in SPH)

ok! so i do like media related stuff... (upcoming podcast i hope i can hands on and really do something, i believe it will be something i like too as when i see chieling and ppl do the protools thingy, my hands kinda itch, wanna try it out... and when danny yeo talk about how to play with some techniques i was super fascinated and wanna hear how sounds like....)

but i am not staying in Singapore, as singapore's media market is too small and too conservative to break through...

contacting some overseas university now, which are established in media... hope i have the $$$$ and ability to study there... wish me luck!

mp3

2006-12-12T08:31:00.000-08:00

its been a long time since i start to use my mp3 again... i used it not only for killing time, kick away the boredom during long journeys...

but it is to let myself to live in my own world awhile, not hearing words spoke by poison tongues... giving a peace of mind for a moment. i dont have to care and bothered by what people say.. my mood, is being controlled by me and my mp3 not thee

and my mood is in my control... if i wanna be happy i shall listen to happy songs, i wannabe sad and even shed tears, i will listen to sad songs... to feel frustrated will listen to those very hot with angst songs...

well... mp3, its not only to be hip cool and kill time.. its my way to escape from reality for a little sweet moment... =)

my blog is alive

2006-12-11T08:12:00.000-08:00

just finish eating something that i should abstain.. but... i ate it.. crabs... lol.... been vomiting and visiting toilets more than usual... some say its stress... well, hope i am not having anoxeria (which is so impossible when i love food)

after so much ups and downs in my life recently i have finally straightened out my thoughts... not mine= let go, but still this feel will be treasured and kept at heart, as one of my best memories... and good friends... well, i am not that obsessed after all.. guess i am still suffering in the transition period since tt failed trial of bgr. i am like, no longer have faith in love perhaps...

flying to china like in 2 months time, i pray and pray that nothing goes wrong within our class and other classes... but it seems things are cropping up... like a girl being sad in my class, other class ppl ostracizing me... oh well... i believe those who loves me will support me, i believe i stil have supportive frens... do i?

i better be wise is what i say.. coz... there are always ppl watching at me... hahha... creeps

finally i'm back

2006-12-08T08:34:00.000-08:00

somehow, its been donkey days since i last blog...

many things had happened (just like huiyu says)
i sorta did something wrong then i start to doubt myself, esp my decision, whether is it on impulse

great events happened
i start to work lesser. super less... wanna stop being iron lady and superwoman for a term...
just stop working, study study study, spend time with families friends and love ones.. but haix... no love ones.., haha
helped out in nan an's 80th anniversary, exposure, and application of my skills learnt from soup spoon,
(i thought i was running shift that day) haha. manageable though... drank some wine...
then helped out in the red camp's parent's forum... well.. one of the parents thought i'm from china.. do i have that striking resemblence? or is it just my height my skin color and my intonation? hmmm.. had fun.. took some pictures
my belated birthday celebration... oh well... i invited my guest... hmm kinda i planned wat to do on tt day coz i noe i dont like to do shopping, so instead of they plan and i put glum face, so its better i do what i like..aha.. makan session... just chilling out will do.. and of coz! instead of frens crackin head thinking wat i shud get for prezzie i say out is easier for them and for me !! ahah... (but i feel those clothes i try on looks nice...) got my DBSK dvd... more prezzie coming up i assume
and of course!! one of my belated present, was actually a key to clear up all misunderstanding.. so it is a memorable birthday for me. as in, though we nv brought up the misunderstanding nad clear it just let it die down and carry on our frenship, but believed will be closer from now on... but kinda worried bout her health... as she is not pregnant yet having those symptoms of having baby cats... hmmm
ya that dinner for my belated celebration was perhaps most memorable one... coz loowin!!! she came!!! she usually will ehem... u noe.. haha... touched!!! and surprisingly the guest came too... and jiali too!! (kaiboon, u nearly make me wu4 hui4 jiali tt she ps me, coz u agree without letting her noe!!!) ate alot... (now i condemn coffee club's tiramisu latte... guess i wont touch coffee for time being...)

kinda dont like grouping for hw.. like i will always miss out someone.. and hurt ppl.. dunno leh
but if i dun voice out as usual, do i get treated fairly? but if i voice out ppl get upset? wat on earth am i going to do? being soft hearted is not the way to live... follow my feel... yes i do work according to how i feel but sometimes thinking of consequences, it will over turn my feels.. force myself to do it... i admire those who work according to their feelings.. really, they kinda dun have to think of consequence and be tied down...

well, as for my love life recently, other than fameing my sweetheart JJ as my laogong (imaginary), or set my expectations as it is now.. i am feeling super empty and hollow, of coz not much desires yet as i am super busy till sometimes cant even reply my frens online.. sorry!!! but i got no time... and last time when i was freeer , i'm glad i've tried things i wanna try like going to watch superband so on.. so its time i turn back to be my oldself, get busy... no more gatherings for me till when i free? of course sch base outings i will attend... haha...
liking someone esp someone with fame is not easy.. coz he will nv see u as an admirer, but a fans.. and when u noe u are treated this way.. it is more hurting than seeing him in convo with everyone else just not u...

overall, busy but fun!? hahha

2006-11-24T10:22:00.000-08:00

ok.. how am i recently.. down.. super super down... maybe just being over-sensitive, as usual...

like eversince i did tt mistake... kinda i backed a little... doing things after many thoughts which restricted myself... i start to remind my self i did wrong i should avoid.. taking too much cautious and now i am almost afraid to walking near it
like eversince i say it out... kinda get colder each day in this hot environment... like start to shrink... i'm becoming smaller each day... not being noticed or seen... perhaps its just everyone is busy...

maybe i should learn to expect the unexpected

"i expected all to rmb this day... but unexpected tt it was forgotten
i expected all to accompany me for one day... but unexpected no one initiates
i expected to receive messages from all on this special event... but unexpected tt not much did
i expected not much... just want a sms, an hour of get-together meal.. but unexpectedly it seems to be too much..."

yes, when all say that we will have it, but end up i am still waiting till now.. but still... there is nothing... busy perhaps? but some expected ones did not even sms me bday greetings... its not bout the joyous.. but how much do i weigh?

meeting timing

2006-11-05T09:03:00.000-08:00

meeting timings... hopefully all can attend..

for mr ng's presentation:

monday 6/11/2006 1030 am , canteen 1: collate all slides

tuesday 7/11/2006 lunch time, : edit/final touch up on the slides
after lesson,3pm, 1hr to rehearse sequence...

friday 10/11/2006 1000am, library room (if i remember to book): rehearse and know well of our slides and points....

for Zhang ai ling presentation:

wednesday 8/11/2006 1100am (after lesson) brainstorm for the 10 qns,allocate slides to present... if possible guess what ah nan will ask us...

monday 13/11/2006 1000am library room (if i remember to book): rehearse and know well of our slides and points....

tuesday 14/11/2006 3pm (after lesson, 1-2 hr) rehearse last time....

*** note, do bring cue cards... slides to be sent by 5th - 6th of nov... be it rough or detailed...

So meeting on when?

2006-11-04T08:16:00.000-08:00

to zhang ai ling group presentation's member:

assigned ppt to be sent to me by 5th nov nite(best), if not 6th nov morning in school via msn or email....
on tuesday if possible meet during lunch break? we have 2 hrs break... maybe can discuss over lunch? or faster eat le and discuss... sorry to rush u guys but many details to look into...
so this shall be our first meeting... more meeting will come after we see ke hong's group present...

to mr ng writing for media news presentation group members:

meet in the morning on monday 1030 am... to collate all ppt... then lunch... then ray lesson... then edit the slides after ray's lesson (i got work at 3 so we will meet till 2 pm nia la~~)

k?more details during meeting... thank u for working with me =D

學會忘記

2006-10-29T09:11:00.000-08:00

那時的傷，仍在腦海裏，我揮散不去。
上次的痛，存在回憶裏，我無法忘棄。
母親訓言，銘記在心裏，我不能忘記。

什麽訓言？ “ 要學會忘記”。

zhang ai ling part 2!!

2006-10-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

now... *drums roll* assign duties!!!

kaiboon! you are to search and do slides on her 1）生平简介（简单，上网就有了）2）文学创作简介（也就是做过什么有名的作品，上网也有，Slide中要提到如何影响了读者之类What's its impact） understood?

huiwen! you are to read some of her san3 wen2 and try to jot a few her common characteristics so on... this is for pt4）文学特色.

loo win! after reading jin suo ji, try to select another one small xiao shuo of hers to read... or i give u another easier one, u do one her point4 too 成就and影响. (how she impact ppl, this i will help)

jieling! doing slides will of coz be part of your job. AND read jin suo ji ah, if can read on other of her works will be gooD so tt u can do pt3 名篇赏析 for minor works.

xinyi! (me!) do on pt3 名篇赏析 of jin suo ji (the major) (since i had read it le, so u all no need so xin ku to rush with reading.

things tt left to be done.... once u all do this by 6th of november. i'll book room to discuss on the 10 qns, rehearsal and collation of ppt. may have 2 meetings. so pls do let me know your views soon~ meet any difficulty in doing designated job areas do sms me or email me. will try to help as much as possible... thank u for working with me~ :)

张爱玲

2006-10-17T01:46:00.000-07:00

大家，谢谢你们支持我，和我组成这小组。因为这一学期课业较繁忙，所以我会一直烦大家把份内工作快快做好。这样我放心，你们后面也会较轻松。当然随时SMS大家来联络或分享意见（Or can post a comment at some of the related posts）现在我们是做关于张爱玲

你们必需读《金锁记》（如果有必要，叫我打个Summary 吧）

需做的东西有：
1）生平简介（简单，上网就有了）
2）文学创作简介（也就是做过什么有名的作品，上网也有，Slide中要提到如何影响了读者之类What's its impact）
3）名篇赏析（Including other minor recommended novels）重点是《金锁记》
4）文学特色＼成就记影响（像老师提的张爱玲女性化的写法和高超的什么。。。）
5）我们设计10道强答题（我们接近时才加以拟定，先看前一组如何进行
6）PPT 制作＼表达＼配合（也就是我们的默契啦！比较会电脑的请自动做PPT当然大家先个子做好自己的然后才Collate）
7）为什么要读除了《金锁记》以外的呢？因为老师会问答道问题＼每个成员都得回答至少一题。答对有3分！！！

现在，我会影印每人一份我找到的《金锁记》的解读，也就是分析之类的东西。（可以利用哈哈）让你们自己选你们要做什么。虽然《金锁记》很长（near50pages)但是不会像鲁迅的或沈从文的难懂。我希望你们除了能读完《金锁记》（or u guys preparing for radio de hua i try squeeze out a summary and post here, let me know before hand, is one week enough for you guys to finish reading it? by next wed finish reading? meanwhile u guys want me to assign job or u all choose what u wanna do? ans at comments ba~ or sms also cann~ ) ，也另外读一篇她的散文例如：爱，公寓生活记趣等。每人要读不一样的，然后我们分享她的文采，来预备老师的问题。（有读过就不用，可以准备和我们分享了！）谢谢合作，请尽快回复！

what can i do?

2006-10-09T23:18:00.000-07:00

i didnt' know... where i stand
nothing seems right... all seems wrong

why does it turn out to be this way
i never want this to happen
i'm sorry... i'm sorry

i've try so hard, to show the world
that i can do it right
but somehow
everything is wrong!

what can i do to show you
what can i do to show you
what can i do, what can i do...
to show you that i'm worthwhile.

i've try so hard, and come so far...
just why, why nothing seems right.
i just wanna know
where do i stand. why the answer never reveal.

what can i do to show you
what can i do to show you
what can i do, what can i do...
to show you that i'm worthwhile.

**why do i disappoint everyone.
i never want these to happen. why am i,
disappointing everyone...

what can i do to show you
what can i do to show you
what can i do, what can i do...
to show you that i'm worthwhile.

止痛药

2006-10-08T22:26:00.000-07:00

从来不知道，快乐是什么
直到你的出现，我才发觉微笑的精彩

但是不知不觉，
你走得很远，也从没有停歇
我追得很远，也从没有停歇

it's hurting me now~ oh it's hurting me now~
我从没有停歇
虽然追得很疲累
但我绝不会停歇
不管你走多远，走多远，我绝不会停歇

身体的疲惫，四肢的痛楚，比不过心里的痛
你的离去让我痛得，止痛药都没得救。

it's hurting me now~ oh it's hurting me now~
我从没有停歇
虽然追得很疲累
但我绝不会停歇
不管你走多远，走多远，我绝不会停歇

wat am i doing?

2006-10-08T22:15:00.000-07:00

attachment- lots of idling. like i wanted it.
I was hoping for experiences and new knowledges for me to explore but what do i gain now? weight. (though i maintained my weight its the feel that i had grown fat)

music- planning to continue my music studies (erhu). but i need the time and money

work- i want to change my current job. but to what? yuhong suggest that i stay on till i find a better job. that's true

social- oh well... been down recently. guess its partly due to the school gonna reopen soon. i always have this transition period before school reopen. things that i wonder now are: are those 2 guys my friend already? does one of them really treated me like sis like i treated him like my bro? are we 3 that close like she said? i really don't think so. i may treat them like friend, they may just think i'm a fan or something. well... at least we can crap a lot like friends. :)

i used to have blogs at blogspot. due to many reasons i deleted them all. bad memories i think. i chose to forget in this way. blog it out and delete and not see these unwanted memories again. :)